| Saturday, March 15th, 2003 |
| 9:46 am |
fate destiny right i cant believe in them i work to hard if you work hard your whole life then you should be rewarded but thats not the caxse . if i was to say that my fate was to become a rockstar then i wouldnt do anything because its fate im gonna be a rockstar .right . right . destiny is even more bullshit same with love. destiny is something i wont believe in becauyse that makes people think that they can be lazy. hell i dont even know if i exist so why should i believe there is a special path and an ending to every person in the world that would piss me off to find that out theres no point in life if your stuck to a path . paths are the things that i stay far away from for if i follow a path i wont be different and i like being weird and different . love i finally have my mind set on what love is its just a stronger word for caring or a word to represent fucking so my belief is that there is no such thing as a soul mate and love isnt blind its fucking dumb the media brainwashes the public to think that love is this thing that you have no control of but you know what love is my mom and this guy bill not my dad my dad yells and screams and beats the shit out of my mom bill takes care of her helps with anything she needs always surprising her with flowers and stuff and hes been doing it for 2 years ever since my mom and dad divorcedhe can hold her all night and not want anything from her except her company . thatse love but my mom IS A FUCKING IDIOT she has been brainwashed to think that love is blind if someone causes you pain that is not love if the cause suffering that is not love if they make you wet or hard thats FUCKINGGGGG not caring so to any who read this let this be known this is the TRUE MEANING OF LOVE a person who will take care of you and not cause any pain and wants to hold you not someone who will come home and argue with you scream at you and force you to do something you dont want to do yeah thats a big one if they force you to do something you dont want that aint love im ending here we all have any not many paths to follow and we all end up the same place so why worry about anything other then that day |
| Sunday, March 2nd, 2003 |
| 9:02 pm |
maybe its denile that czn explain my new depression like i denied so much that now even i cant hold it all back but shouldnt i ber angry or sad shouldnt i have some sort of emotion instead of a look of a tranquil lake while my insides are chanting anrchy to my body and destroying me inside out. it is only one body part that is causing all the serious damge and that is my brain ripping my memories my feelings my life to shreds fuck why am i so lost where did i go wrong fuc fuck fuck where |
| 8:58 pm |
sllep who needs it death who needs it life who needs it love who needs it what the fuck is it that i need im so completely unbalanced that im losing control i once had a life in which it was easier i could cry and i knew what was coming the next day just insults and suffering but now my future is unsure unreadable even by nostreudamus himself not fair not fair not fair regreession if only it were that easy denile is probally my way of dealing with prob lems |
| 8:55 pm |
depression what a haunting word love what a lie why the hell do i feel this way i cant do anything for myself my lyrics will never be good enough to make me a little pocket caqsh ill never be smart enough to make it thourgh college somehow chooseing death seems to be the best of choices for me but i know its just giveing up i know that its not worth it but whycant my mo tell me this instead she adds more depression to the stack already laid i feel depression as a stack of book s sometimes theres a lot of book or things to be depressed about but you just have to read the book and get thourgh it well im starting a library with mine theres so many i dont know why im depressed i cant figure it out i should be happy maybe its just because only one thing is keeping me happy while everything else is makeing me struggle sarah if you ever read this i thx you im grasping for my sanity and your the only one reaching out a hand . |
| Wednesday, February 26th, 2003 |
| 5:26 pm |
what is my problem i always was able to push this crap away i never ever believed there was love but now i find myself saying it to sarah i care so much for her and i want to hold her in my arms and be with her all the time but i think she doesnt feel the same i start to feel dependent on this drug i call sarah but if only the drug felt the same way but i understand shes not a drug shes a girl that i shouldve known i would be infatuated with her. I have been figureing things out lately i think that a man doesnt need as much as a women needs for happiness. most men i know need sex beauty and security. women want careing feelings sex beuty security talking holding needing. then theres me who wants holding careing intelligence and some beauty. i personally could care less about sex i actually hate it i feel it ruins people but i understand the my mates wont usualy feel the same so i try to please them as much as possible . i guess its just a lost theory. well i can only feel one thing . "If I cut off your arms and I cut off your legs would you still love me anyway"-misfits(i usualy hate qouting) |
| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003 |
| 8:38 pm |
why am i so fucked up every time i try and think about who i am theres nuthing. i feel male and female i despise my whole sex drive which goes against all freuds theories. i just dont want to get horny constantly and i want to get rid of any masculinity left but a part is holding on to it and to make things worst theres like 10 terms of what i could be i thought transexual but now i think transvestite but i dont want a dick so it cant be that then maybe androgynes i just dont fucking know i wish i could just be fixed and never have these damn thoughts again but would that turn me into one of those asshole guys that only talk about sex sports and sedatives the 3 Ss in a mans life and despise all three how quint i cant take being me anymore but theres no me to begin with realy now is there my mom is vent all her rage on me because im fucked up and i must remind her of my dad because of looks because she yells at me when shes mad at him i cant FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE i cant kill myself Iicant run away i cant isolate myself i cant suceed i cant worship and be spiritual i cant do things the easy way i cant understand anything and the gender barriers that i am facing i cant decide a future because there all so hard i cant even pick the fucking clothes off my floor WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP CAN ANYONE OUT THERE TELL ME THIS ANYONE NO BECAUSE THATS MY FUCKING FATE isnt it ISNT IT im doomed to be some circus freak because of my psychological thoughts not because of my physicle appearence maybe i should be under a light get my brain scaned for abnormalties for i have Obviously crossed the line to insanity i cant control anything im just some fucking kid who has a secret that is so fucking frowned upon that i coud never tell the world i have a girlfriend and i LOVE HER i FUCKING LOVE her but how do i tell her when im the one that doesnt believe in love not till i met her shes just as insecure as me and she beutiful skinny and very cute and has the most amazing smirk i love her words her clothes her personality everything about her is magnificent she makes me want to keep my dick and balls just so i can make love to her just so she is pleased sex is nuthing for me so im determined to make it the bast thing ever for her the best i want to tell her everything about my past but im to afraid its such a huge secret that if she was drinking and it sliped i would be FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED i care so FUCKING MUCH for this IMAGE that i work SO FUCKING hard on destroying while maintaining isnt it fucked up and to make matters worst i dont know what to do when i turn 18 i guess just go on to college i just dont know why why WHY THE FUCK am i not allowed to know my biggest problems only all my little problems i FUCKING HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AINT IT A FUCKING SHAME i guess thats life --THE FUCKING FUCKED UP KID WITH THE WORST ISSUES EVER!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Monday, February 17th, 2003 |
| 10:04 pm |
help me kill me destroy me this world is sucking my mind into its body and i cant escape because i have no legs . isnt life fucking great i feel like im on a fucking coaster nuthing goes up that doesnt go down how can i get depressed when everything is fin everything is fine everything is fine everything is fine everything is fucking out of line nuthing is helping me get through day to day i fucking messed up i have some sort of fucking problem i cant take good i cant take good im not good all i can stand is the dark for the light has burnt my eyes blind of the optimistic veiws of the world and there nuthing left thats good in the silent pitch blackness of my life why do i hate myself then love myself do i have a sociopathic charecteristic do i have a problem that only i can see im feel worthless worthless something in me is ripping my body to shred i have nuthin nuthing is what i am nuthing is what i have become or is it just what i wish i have become this whole text is a complete contradiction to what i put on in my daily life and now i have to keep happy i have a girlfriend and i i i love her but i cant love her i dont believe in love im so fucking messed up i just want to be close to her i want to hold her for the rest of my life and just cuddle and talk with i care less of sex i despise it it ruins people so badly i just want to be with her i want to be lying in my bed holding her and watching tv |
| Saturday, February 8th, 2003 |
| 2:01 pm |
i spent about a year trying to find my purpose for liveing because i dont believe in the after life no heavens or hells just rotting this is the sort of thing that can make any kid depressed i came close to killing myself last year thats why i know have a small scar on my right wrist i penetrated the skin but then pulled it out the metel was to much about 10 minutes later i fell asleep after sarah went home last night i started thinking about my purpose again and i finally came up with my own conclusion so this is it. Curiosity . I want to see whats going to happen next so my purpose of life is my need to keep living . its like a good tv series you cant wait till next week to see the next episode thats what is keeping me going among other things like my craveing for knowledge and sarah they both give me reasons to live . In the end wheni die it wont be upsetting because hey its just the final episode for me whether the world goes on after i die would be of no concerns because i am now truely content because I AM DEAD . and thats what keeps me going . well cya ill update again |
| Friday, January 31st, 2003 |
| 8:03 pm |
Hey im starting this journal up again this time im monitering my depression and my fluxuating moods. i can be happy for a minute then just get depressed i have tried killing myself 2 once from pills and once slice my wrist and fore arm to shreds you should see the remnents of the scar. so anyway i will be writing different thoughts and philosiphies. right now ive been doing great i have a girlfriend who cares about me and i care about her it just feels so good to cuddle with her or hold each other its a reasurance that makes my mind tranquil i like that feeling. she is a writer and very good at it she already finished her first book im also a writer just i dont have the motivation or i have too many distractions one or the other i think its a mix of both. my depression is very low right now which is a good thing. oh now for the persoanl stuff ok my depression is caused by my lack of self esteem my low self image and my constant self doubt i think that all started as a mix of the constant beatings i took from my father and kids in my school all the beatings stoped before 10th grade and now im in 12th and things have gotten better. I have paranoia also which never helps and i suffer from sleep anxiety. knowing this u can imagine how fucked up i am . BUT I DONT WANT ANY PITY its not in my nature i used to wish i could change the past or see the future to avoid sorrow but now i live with mistakes and learn from them well this is my intro Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: Sound of my dogs barking |
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